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50 Random Messages

1. "Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life."

-- Tom Waits
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2. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
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3. When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'

I said,
'No, I made a few mistakes.'

-- Steven Wright
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4. "People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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5. "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

-- Sir Winston Churchill
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6. "I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...'"

-- Mike Binder
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7. Strange Law:

Chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt."
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8. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

-- Roseanne Barr
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9. "I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."

-- Steven Wright
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10. " If there is, in fact, a Heaven and a Hell, all we know for sure is that Hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix..."

-- Hunter S. Thompson
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11. "Man walk on road. Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished just like grape."

-- Mr. Miyagi
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12. "All of us necessarily hold many casual opinions that are ludicrously wrong simply because life is far too short for us to think through even a small fraction of the topics that we come across."

-- Julian Simon
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13. "When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute."

-- Steven Wright
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14. "I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

-- W. C. Fields
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15. "John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career."

-- Conan O'Brien
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16. Strange Fact:

All Humans Are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee.
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17. Strange Law:

In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.
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18. Strange Fact:

Hailed as a wonder drug in the late nineteenth century, cocaine was outlawed in the United States in 1914.
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19. Strange Fact:

The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.
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20. Scientific Fact:

A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way, about 225 million years.
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21. Interesting Fact:

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
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22. "Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought."

-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
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23. "Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."

-- Larry David
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24. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

-- Shirley Temple
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25. "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

-- August Strindberg
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26. "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

-- Bertrand Russell
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27. "Hell is other people."

-- Jean-Paul Sartre
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28. "Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance but to do what lies clearly at hand."

-- Thomas Carlyle
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29. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

-- General William Westmoreland
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30. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

-- Steven Wright
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31. "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

-- George Bernard Shaw
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32. Scientific Fact:

The Earth gets heavier each day by tons, as meteoric dust settles on it.
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33. "My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."

-- Rodney Dangerfield
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34. "To the living we owe respect, but the dead we owe only the truth."

-- Voltalre
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35. World Record:

In 1935, Jesse Owens set six track and field world records in less than one hour.
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36. "Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

-- George Carlin
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37. "Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."

-- Bertolt Brecht
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38. Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! - Spread My Message! Website

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39. "When the Paris Exhibition closes electric light will close with it and no more be heard of."

-- Erasmus Wilson (1878)
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40. "One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience."

-- Alice James
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41. "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

-- Henny Youngman
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42. "Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies."

-- Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
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43. "Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."

-- Ellen DeGeneres
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44. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

-- Tiger Woods
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45. World Record:

Belgian driver Jenatzy was the first to reach a speed of over 100km/h in his electrically powered car 'La Jamais Contente' in 1899.
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46. "It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."

-- Harry S. Truman
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47. "The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee."

-- Tellis Frank
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48. Strange Fact:

If you are standing on a mountain top and the conditions are just right you can see a lit match from 50 miles away.
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49. "After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles'."

-- Ronnie Shakes
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50. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."

-- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
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