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50 Random Messages

1. "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

-- Groucho Marx
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2. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

-- Jack Nicholson
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3. "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

-- Henny Youngman
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4. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying.

-- Woody Allen
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5. "Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

-- Mark Twain
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6. "I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use."

-- Galileo Galilei
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7. When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'

I said,
'No, I made a few mistakes.'

-- Steven Wright
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8. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-- Oscar Wilde
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9. "As long as there are innocent nickels to be made from the gullible, Python-starved public, I shall be out there dressed in silly frocks and singing filthy lyrics. I'm coming your way in search of ancient dollars."

-- Eric Idle
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10. Strange Fact:

A theater manager in Seoul, Korea felt that The Sound of Music was too long, so he shortened it by cutting out all the songs.
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11. "I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy."

-- Frank Zappa
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12. Interesting Fact:

The minimum age set in the U.S. Constitution for the President of the United States is 35.
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13. World Record:

In 1935, Jesse Owens set six track and field world records in less than one hour.
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14. "Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."

-- W.C. Fields
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15. "We're on a Mission from God!"

-- The Blues Brothers
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16. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
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17. "Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."

-- Leslie Nielsen (in "Police Squad")
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18. "Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’”

-- Rita Rudner
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19. "The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee."

-- Tellis Frank
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20. "94.5% of all statistics are made up."

-- Woody Allen
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21. "When I have one foot in the grave, I will tell the whole truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me and say, 'Do what you like now'."

-- Leo Tolstoy
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22. Strange Fact:

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Brittanica.
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23. "The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins."

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
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24. "People find life entirely too time-consuming."

-- Stanislaw Lec
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25. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

-- Tiger Woods
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26. "Good artists copy; great artists steal"

-- Pablo Picasso
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27. "I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."

-- Steven Wright
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28. "My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."

-- Rodney Dangerfield
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29. "Hell is other people."

-- Jean-Paul Sartre
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30. "The most difficult thing of all - yet the most essential - is to love life, even when you suffer, because life is all."

-- Leo Tolstoy
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31. Historical Fact:

During the California Gold Rush of 1849 miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years it was deemed more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
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32. Historical Fact:

Louis XV was the first person to use an elevator: in 1743 his "flying chair" carried him between the floors of the Versailles palace.
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33. Scientific Fact:

We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening. Layers of cartilage in the joints gets compressed during the day.
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34. Strange Fact:

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them.
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35. "So long as the universe had a beginning, we could suppose it had a creator. But if the universe is really completely self-contained, having no boundary or edge, it would have neither beginning nor end: it would simply be. What place then, for a creator?"

-- Stephen W. Hawking
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36. "You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."

-- Michael Pritchard
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37. Strange Law:

A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
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38. Strange Law:

It's illegal in Alabama to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
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39. "Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought."

-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
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40. "I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

-- W. C. Fields
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41. Strange Fact:

All Humans Are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee.
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42. "Everything has been figured out, except how to live."

-- Jean-Paul Sartre
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43. "Happiness is good health and a bad memory."

-- Ingrid Bergman
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44. Interesting Fact:

Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator, probably because of the fact that it is one of the hardest programs to get running.
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45. "Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office."

-- David Broder
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46. "That's not a lie. It's a terminological inexactitude."

-- Alexander Haig
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47. World Record:

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
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48. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

-- Steven Wright
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49. "Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way."

-- John Stuart Mill
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50. "If you aspire to the highest place, it is no disgrace to stop at the second, or even the third, place."

-- Cicero
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